I grew up in an oppressive household; my dad was brainwashed, like many people—myself even, to think that light skin and long hair was the ideal beauty. Nobody in this space is reinforcing heteronormativity, though? The knowing it about yourself before you ever do it with someone, the lack of safewords for the government deciding what is and is not legal, etc.
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We could choose to never discuss who we are and how we feel. It costs money to fight legal battles and there is only so much money to go around. Nobody owns the label queer and I believe people can be trusted to identify themselves. There are numerous situations in which consenting individuals engage in kink without engaging in sex, just as there are numerous situations in which consenting individuals engage in sex without engaging in kink. It has too be spent wisely and efficiently. Some but not all of these relationships include sex. A gay couple was just recently assaulted in the Netherlands for holding hands. Thank you, Carolyn!
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After all there is no Ministry of Queer to police queerness. Being born this way is struggling against the belief that you are a freak. As I became more immersed in queer culture and my friends and I all moved to Brooklyn, I got to spend the most time I had ever spent with queer people of color. When I was single, I never felt like I needed to defend or even articulate my identity at all, it was just options and I had lots of them. I think I agree, that kinkiness is not fundamentally queer. My girlfriend had recently locked her hair and we joked about how every single stud we saw also had locs. It feels insulting and limiting to define the LGBTQ community by what we exist against, rather than what we exist for. Queerness is hard to hide.
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